A Thanksgiving Guide: When Uncle Robert's MAGA Hat Arrives Before the Turkey

What to say, what to ignore, and when to simply pass the rolls and protect your sanity.

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TL;DR:

• Thanksgiving 2025

• Your MAGA relatives are coming with “alternative facts” as a side dish

• Which conspiracy theory shows up first?

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This Looks Familiar

Thanksgiving 1860: Families gathering knowing Civil War was imminent.
By the next spring, ‘brother against brother’ wouldn’t just be a metaphor anymore.

Thanksgiving 1973: Watergate. The Saturday Night Massacre happened three weeks ago. Half the family thinks Nixon’s a crook, the other half thinks it’s a witch hunt.

Thanksgiving 2025: Your uncle arrives wearing a red hat and immediately asks about “DEI generals” while you’re defrosting the turkey.

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The Arrival

The MAGA hat enters the room before your uncle does. It’s got its own gravitational field.

Your mom sees it from the kitchen and drops the wooden spoon. Your sister suddenly needs to “check on the kids” (who are 17 and 19). Your dad turns up the football volume.

And nobody’s even said hello yet.

In 1776, showing up to Thanksgiving wearing British red was probably also awkward.

By the time the turkey arrives, Robert’s already covered:

• “Fake news media”

• “The deep state”

• “Liberal universities”

• Something about “15-minute cities” (no one knows what this means)

• How “they” are “coming for our gas stoves”

Your mom is secretly fuming. Your dad is stress-eating stuffing. Your sister has wine in a travel mug.

In 1863, Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving a national holiday hoping it would unite the country. He did not anticipate Robert.

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How to Interact with Robert: The Socratic Method

Don’t argue. Just ask questions. Endless, innocent questions.

Robert: “The election was stolen!”
You: “Oh wow! How?”
Robert: “The machines!”
You: “Which machines?”
Robert: “The voting machines!”
You: “All of them? Even in the states Trump won?”
Robert: sputtering noises

MAGA talking points don’t survive basic follow-up questions. It’s the conversational equivalent of a Windows error message.

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Make a Game out of it

Make it a game. Print MAGA Talking Points Bingo.

Free space: “Let’s Go Brandon” or make up your own.

Other squares:

• “Mainstream media”

• “George Soros”

• “Cancel culture”

• “Woke agenda”

• “Border crisis”

• “Hunter’s laptop”

• “Sleepy Joe”

• “Trump’s playing 4D chess”

• Any QAnon reference

First person to get five in a row wins the right to leave early.

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Substack polls only allow us so many options, let us know what conspiracy theory comes to mind in the comments!

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Consider The 30-Minute Rule

What if we all agreed this Thanksgiving:

No politics until we’ve been at the table for at least 30 minutes.

Thirty minutes of gratitude, turkey, and small talk before anyone mentions any administration from any decade.

And then we can call Robert out on his bullshit.

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For the Good Trouble Makers: Questions Worth Asking to Foster Critical Thinking

Not everyone wants to avoid politics. Some families thrive on debate. If yours is one of them or if you’re feeling brave here are thought-provoking questions that expose hypocrisy without being mean.

These aren’t “gotcha” questions. They’re invitations to think deeper.

On “Small Government”:

• “If government shouldn’t regulate what we do with our bodies, why should it regulate women’s reproductive choices?”

• “Should the government be able to ban books? I thought we opposed government overreach?”

On “Law and Order”:

• “If we’re the party of backing the blue, how do we explain January 6th?”

• “Should presidents be above the law, or does ‘law and order’ apply to everyone?”

On “Family Values”:

• “How many marriages has our candidate had? I’m genuinely asking.”

• “What does ‘family values’ mean if we’re separating families at the border?”

On “Free Speech”:

• “If we love free speech, why are we banning books and controlling what comedians and teachers can say?”

• “Does free speech include protest, or only speech we agree with?”

On “Fiscal Responsibility”:

• “Which administration added more to the national debt? Let’s look at the actual numbers.”

• “How do we cut taxes AND balance the budget? Show me the math.”

The key: Ask genuinely. Listen to answers. Respond with curiosity, not contempt (this is how we change minds).

As John Lewis said: “Get in good trouble, necessary trouble, and help redeem the soul of America.”

Sometimes that means asking your family to think critically.
Sometimes it means thinking critically yourself.

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Quick Responses to Common Claims

“The economy was better under Trump!”
[Pulls up GDP data] “Let’s look at numbers, not feelings.”

“Biden caused inflation!”
“So Biden also caused inflation in the UK, Canada, Japan, and every other developed nation simultaneously? Man’s got range.”

“Democrats are groomers!”
“The actual groomers are being prosecuted in red states by the hundreds. Google it.”

“The election was stolen!”
“Sixty-plus court cases, Trump’s own attorney general, and Republican election officials all said there was no widespread fraud. At some point it’s not a theory, it’s fan fiction.”

“Crime is out of control under Democrats!”
“FBI numbers show violent crime and murders are down from the 2020 peak. Cable news crime coverage is way up, though.”

“The border is wide open!”
“If it were ‘open,’ cartels wouldn’t be charging people thousands of dollars to sneak them across. Broken isn’t the same as open.”

“January 6 was just a protest.”
“Most protests don’t end with more than 1,200 people charged and hundreds of officers injured. That was an attack, not a field trip.”

“Democrats hate America.”
“We’re the ones fighting so every American can vote and elections actually count. That’s kind of the whole ‘loving America’ thing.”

“Climate change is a hoax.”
“Every major science academy and even the Pentagon disagree. I’m going to side with the people who can do math and launch satellites.”

“The media lies. I only trust Trump.”
“If your ‘truth’ collapses the second we open a nonpartisan source together, it wasn’t truth, it was branding.”

Remember: You don’t have to win the argument. You just have to get through dinner.

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Dammit, Robert.

A lot of people in this movement are done setting themselves on fire to keep Robert warm. Cutting off toxic family members is a boundary, and sometimes it’s the only moral choice when someone’s politics translate into harm for other people’s kids, other people’s families.

Others are choosing to stay in the room with Robert because they see those conversations as part of the work. That’s valid too. The point is: you get to decide. Not Fox News, not your grandma, not “but he’s family.”

Thanksgiving 2025 might be messy. So were 1860 and 1973.
We survived those. We’ll survive this with or without Robert at the table.

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Leave a Comment

What are your thanksgiving plans? Will you save “Robert” a seat at the table? What’s the wildest political thing anyone’s said at your Thanksgiving?

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May your turkey be moist, your glass full, and your uncle’s conspiracy theories easily deflected.

“In every American family, there’s always at least one uncle wearing a hat no one asked for.” -Someone, probably, circa 2025

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